Almost allowed myself to spil another drop of tears... It was like having a tremendous, high-destructive tornado in my brain when I heard her saying it. My heart seemed to stop beating for a second before it started after that short period, giving itself violent knocks against my skin as if it had never hesitated. I felt myself pondering what my physical reactions meant while I could not manage myself to say something.

# # #

We can't prevent people from fighting or having misunderstandings between them, but at least, I thought I could just stop them from having the chance to do so. The dreams has always haunted my mind whenever I thought of the pair of them, and as I grew up, and got lot more mature from the obedient, little kid I used to be, and this problem has proved itself to have the deepest position in my mind. Maybe I just thought that I have witnessed that since I was young, and it wouldn't take too much of a portion of my heart and attention towards it. I thought the pain would not hurt too deeply, but again, I was wrong.

Perfectly wrong.

Only now I realised that the shocks and pains has eventually grown up together with me, as a part of me. It would hurt more and more pathetically as I grow to know the importance of keeping them together, and the effort I have donated for their sake falls weakly on my feet. I am not given any chance to complain, and even if I did, all that I'd receive was a weak, helpless smile. And now, I've become clever enough not to question it again.

And back to the original topic, I really can't understand why such a simple sentence had seared my heart apart. As if the fresh wound was smeared with salt, it hurt- deep into my mind. She had said that she was happy, just happy to see me again, but why does it affect my thoughts so much? Why does it trigger clear solution into my eyes? And why...does it make me feel distracted for such a long time....?

I can only guess that there are some questions in our lives that can't be answered.........

The true meaning of siblings

Had a golden chance to talk with my brother for almost three straight hours. We met online unexpectedly, and although there were some distraction, we managed to chat with each other without minding it. After having the talk, I found out that there was some difference in the immature siblings. Although we were still playful, I felt as if we've grown up since we've last met (and parted). I have been angry towards him since he left for S'pore, as he did not appear in Kuching although I pleaded him to provide me a chance to see his handsome face once more before he left. On his leaving day, I hadn't had the chance to bid him good luck, and that conquered a large chunk of dismay in my mind. However, the anger that had taken its position in my mind disappeared as we talked merrily, as if nothing had happened between us.

I hate to admit that since his departure, I felt lonely at home for the second time in my life. Going back home during the holidays was one thing I loved the most, but eventually when there was something missing, I learned to start finding and in the end, become disappointed of the disappearance. I guess this was what he had felt when we were apart when he graduated and went home, where our parents were residing. I came to realise the reason he came into my room before sleeping although he had nothing to talk about, and leaving after having a good look around. I understood perfectly why he had held me captive in a lengthly phone conversation with his naggings about my studies , and why he was reluctant to hand the phone over to mum.

I found him quite different now, having the qualities of a brother, and charm flickered out in his speech now and then. Maybe I hadn't had the chance to feel it before, as we were too close together, no matter what happened. Maybe we were too busy quarelling to understand that affection of siblings actually was able to be found in our relationship.

Thinking back of what had happened during our living in Kuching, away from parents, I felt a surge of memories flooding into my brain. Guess I'm missing my life then- always protected by a transparent force (because I never felt my brother protecting me before), and what was more- tasting his 'nice' cooking... We had quarelled about great deal of things then- and when I think of it now, I guess I was the one who was always wrong... I had always accused him of receiving more attention from our parents, and I was the one who was jealous of his never ending abilities. As I've stated above, maybe we learned to love our family members in such harsh ways.

After the conversation has finished (by force), we've both rushed off for our dinners, but there was visible reluctance in our saying goodbye. Although we have our own lives to carry on, but somehow we're always connected to each other by invisible attraction- similiarity of blood running in our veins?

And finally I'm going to declare my message (haha): Although we're all having our own lives, but whenever we need help, we can confide in our brothers and sisters, as they're always staying by your side no matter what happens. This is what I've learnt after two and half hours of chatting.....hahaha

*such lousy essay in my blog..... my original draft got erased n i had to rite for da second time... it's a lot lousier than da first one..... :(